haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
be right there i have to get my cape
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
