I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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