I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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