After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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