Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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