Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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