Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
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