Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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