I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
