jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize