don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
high people should be assigned attendants
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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