You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
