Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
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