I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize