I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
