i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
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