You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize