I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize