I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I didn't notice because vodka
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
She made me pour olive oil on her.
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