mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
my poor anus
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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