god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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