2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
