why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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