So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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