We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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