I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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