I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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