new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize