I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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