Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
