My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
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