I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
