my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
