hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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