Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
