if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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