1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i jhust puked up my retainher.
from now on my penis is your penis
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Randomize
