she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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