I puked a lego.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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