Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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