She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
