Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
