ugly people sure do ruin things
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
