Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
