I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
