I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
