if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
