very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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