I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I think my moral compass just broke
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