I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Randomize
