my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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