Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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