My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize