you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
