Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
