i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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