You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
