I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
