We're like a lot better than the average bears
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
